10 Behaviors You Should Never Accept In Your Relationship

We talk a lot about emotional boundaries, which are the lines that you draw around the behavior and treatment that you will (and won’t) accept from the people around you…..CONTINUE READING…CONTINUE READING

At times, they’re the most difficult to maintain in an intimate relationship, because emotions run high, judgment can become cloudy, and we can “let things slide” that we know we shouldn’t.

Below, we’ll discuss some behaviors that throw up major red flags and should violate even the most forgiving person’s boundaries.

A promise, I believe, shouldonlybe made with the clear intention ofbeing kept, but I understand that life can get in the way, circumstances change, and sometimes things that are outside of our control can prevent us from following through on something we said we’d do.

I say this because I understand thatlife happens, and not every broken promise is an act of betrayal or disloyalty.
However

, if you find that a person isrepeatedly and consistentlyfalling short of the things they’ve promised you, arealwaysfinding reasons why they “can’t,” areregularlypushing you down their list of priorities…then you really need to start asking yourself how seriously they are taking you and the relationship you’re building together.

If a person is genuinely sorry for going back on their word, you’ll clearly see them trying to make it up to you or do something to express this remorse. If it’s a pattern, though, and no solution is ever provided — it’s time to push the emotion aside and understand that people like this will just continue taking advantage of your good nature…until you stop allowing them to.

Sure, a joke. It was “a joke” when they poked fun at your insecurities in front of your friends, or family. It was “a joke” when they shamed you about that thing you trusted them with. It was “a joke” when they made that comment about how you look in that new outfit.

Listen — some people have different senses of humor than others, and some are just entirely clueless on how to give a compliment. They may try to use humor to mask discomfort, or think that being funny is in some way charming, but they repeatedly cross a line or mess it up…

Or, maybe, they’re just an asshole who is trying to knock down your confidence through making you feel worse about yourself by making snide or passive aggressive remarks.

Regardless of the intention, this type of treatment should never be tolerated.

Speak up, tell them how their words are making you feel. Then, watch to see if they change.

If they do, maybe they had no idea how their words were impacting you (which, still isn’t an excuse…), but if theydon’tchange, they’re doing it on purposestill knowinghow you’re affected by it, and you should be packing your things.

Let’s imagine the scenario from point #2 playing out, and for the sake of argument, let’s assume that their actionswere, in fact, intentional.

You’ve divulged things to this person in confidence, trusting them to keep your thoughts, feelings, and insecurities safe from harm — as that is the very foundation of an intimate relationship.

Now, though, they’ve begin to use these very things against you. To make “small” comments about the very things you’ve trusted them with. They’re starting to weaponize your insecurities and try to pass it off as joking, or just having fun, or kidding around.

Under no circumstances should you accept this flimsy explanation that’s only being used to mask what amounts to emotional abuse. Emotional manipulation. Emotional blackmail.

They have something they know can hurt you, and they’re using it to do exactly that.
Nobody who actually cares about you

would ever do anything like this. Ever.

Infidelity is, of course, not the only wayto break someone’s trust, but it is pretty high up on the list.

Trust is a foundational piece to every relationship, not just intimate ones.

In an intimate relationship, though, this trust runs even deeper. It’s emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, sexual. You’re trusting every piece of yourself to this person who’s made a pledge to honor that trustevery single dayfor the duration of the relationship.

This is one of the (many) reasons why communication is so important — it helps you define the boundaries that you both decide on together.

What is it that constitutes infidelity? Breaking of trust? Coloring outside the lines of the relationship?

At first glance, these might seem like obvious questions that we can all agree on, but there are very real nuances.

Take, for example, social media…

You both had lives before you met. You know plenty of other men and women, probably attractive ones.

Is it okay to keep following these people online?

Is it okay to like their photos? Does the outfit they’re wearing in the photo change the answer to this?

Is it okay to respond to their stories, or send messages? What is the context of the messages?

Maybe you and your partner fully agree on the answers above — and that’s great! But, maybe you don’t…and, maybeyou don’t realize that you don’t, so you end up unwittingly betraying this person’s trust without even knowing that it’s happening.

If, then, your partner knows

what you see as right or wrong, they know

what you’d consider betrayal of trust, they know

what your boundaries are…and they still violate your mutual agreement,

that is unacceptable behavior and can’t be excused as a “mistake.”

There’s a big difference between “moving on” and trying to completely erase the past.

When two people move on, they heal together. They discuss a challenge they overcame, and they grow as a couple, evolving into the future.

We cannot live in the past, or it will contaminate our future.

What we also cannot do,

though, is try topretend the past never happened.Try toerase it.Try to minimize your pain, or anguish, or feelings around the event.

When that happens, they’re completely invalidating your experience and refusing to take responsibility for their actions..

Moving on from the past in a healthy way is about taking responsibility for one’s actions, putting in the work to improve, andearning your forgiveness.If they try to run forward and outpace this entire process, they’re simply trying to avoid what they’ve done and pretend that if they brush it under the rug, you’ll just forget about it.

The problem with this is that it’s a warning sign of even larger issues, such as:

Two partners can only grow together when they take responsibility fortheir own growth.That also means *gasp*personal accountability.

If someone refuses to apologize, refuses to admit their wrongdoings, refuses to look in the mirror and hold themselves accountable for their actions…how can you ever learn to trust them?

They’ll spend all of their time trying to pass the blame (onto you), and pretending that they did nothing wrong.

You cannotavoida problem andsolveit at the same time, you must choose one — and the former never brings about any progress, growth, or trust.

A tally of mistakes. A tally of misdeeds. A tally of wrongdoings.

A scorecard, if you will.

Anyone who keeps score in a relationship is doing nothing but waiting for a chance to “win.”

Relationships aren’t about winning, they’re about collaboration. Teamwork. Mutual goals and effort. Working together towards a common goal.

If someone is always pulling up mistakes you’ve made in the past, or operating from a “tit for tat” standpoint, all they’re really trying to do is focus on who was right and who was wrong in a certain scenario.

A team mustwork togetherto win the game of life and love. The moment you start competing with each other or trying to one-up each other, or trying to have leverage over each other…is the moment it all falls apart.

“You’re being crazy, I never said that.”

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

“That never happened.”

“That’s not how I remember it.”

Gaslighting is when someone manipulates reality with the intention of making you doubt your own feelings, memory, or even your own sanity.

As a result, they avoid responsibility for their actions and begin a pattern of controlling and narcissistic behavior.

They make you believe that they know you better than you know you, and that your thoughts or memories about an event are inaccurate.

Not surprisingly, the “accurate” reality they’re trying to spinis always in their favor.

Under no circumstances should gaslighting be accepted or tolerated in your life.

Listen, having standards isn’t just about what you won’t accept, but also what you will accept. What you are looking for — and you are on a path of immense personal growth and development. You’re a high achiever seeking a life of fulfillment, happiness, and love.

You need, then, a partner who’s equally investedin themselvesas they are in you and this relationship.

You cannot be the only one growing.

You cannot be the only one improving.

You cannot be the only one focused on living a healthy lifestyle.

Otherwise, you’ll simply end up growingapartfrom each other, as they stay stuck while you move forward.

It’s not always negative treatment, betrayal, or abuse (more on that coming) that pulls two people apart — sometimes, it’s simplyincompatibilityin life. If you’re not a match, there’s no shame in admitting it, and it doesn’t make either of you a bad person.

Sometimes you can have two good people who just aren’t goodfor each other, and the sooner you realize that, the more heartbreak you’ll avoid.

Yes, the caps lock is intentional.

I mentioned earlier that I understand people can make mistakes and, in some instances, a second chance may be warranted.

I also believe that abuse should have a zero tolerance policy.

The moment someone is violent, you’re out the door.

The moment there is emotional abuse, you’re out the door.

The moment there is any behavior whatsoever

that could be classified as abuse — mental, emotional, physical, or otherwise…they’ve lost the privilege of having you in their life.

This is the absolute baseline that any partner should be able to follow. It is the most basic form of human decency, and if they cannot meet the lowest level of behavioral standards, they certainly do not deserve your heart, your body, or your emotional investment.

Keep these boundaries close to your heart, and you will always be led towards happiness and love…..CONTINUE READING