Instincts are powerful and important guides along the road of life. They serve as an internal compass, a slight whispering, a gentle tug towards the direction that, deep down, you know you should be moving in.
Why, then, do you have such a hard time trusting them?
Trust, as referenced in the title, is the overarching theme here. Just like we need to build and maintain trust with a partner in a relationship, we must also do so with ourselves. It’s not something that just magically appears, or that is there by default, or that is infallible and bulletproof.
Let’s discuss how you can build — or rebuild — the highest level of trust in the person it matters with most: Yourself.
Start small. Trusting yourself is about building credibility with yourself. If you can’t prove yourself to yourself while doing the small things, you’re certainly not going to have any confidence in the big things.
The people who hold the highest level of trust in themselves have built it over time through showing their own abilities. They know they’re capable of what they’re about to do, because they’ve done it before.
And, if they haven’t, they still proceed with confidence because they know they have the ability to figure it out.
Is this to say that confidence is infallible and omnipresent? No, of course not. But, it is transferable.
By this I mean: If you’ve achieved “Item A” twelve times, and now it’s time to move on to “Item B,” you can be confident in your existing track record and abilities to step up to the next level.
— Make a commitment to wake up 10 minutes earlier tomorrow, and get right out of bed.
— Cut out screen-time 30 minutes before going to sleep tonight, read a book instead.
— Stop that small but unhealthy habit you’ve promised to cut back on. Soda, too much pizza, whatever it is.
— Go for a 15 minute walk after lunch instead of just sitting back down at the desk.
“James, these are small and silly things that don’t make any difference.”
The idea here is just that —to start small.
Hence, setting attainable goals.
It’s not about going from A → Z.
Right now, it’s just about going from A → B.
Then, you can go from B → C.
C → D…and so on.
But, you’ve got to start somewhere and build trust from there.
The easier the smaller goals become, the more confident you’ll be to tackle bigger and bigger ones, until nothing can stop you.
One of my private clients has struggled with this for quite awhile.
He comes onto our weekly calls and tells me about all of the other people he talked to during the week to get input into a decision he’s making.
Now, he’s (obviously) confused as hell.
Let me be clear about this: I believe that all of us should have trusted confidants that we seek insight from.
Friends, family members, spouses, or — ahem — a personal coach .
Here’s what I don’t believe we should do:
Flood ourselves with the opinions of everyone under the sun and become so caught up in the changing tides that we drown under the information.
Think about what really happens when we do this:
You reflexively call Person A to get their opinion, but they’re busy and need to call you back.
So, you frantically call Person B, who gives you their thoughts. They sound reasonable, so you start moving in that direction.
But, now, Person A calls you back and completely disagrees with Person B. You start doubting your choice…because it wasn’t really your choice in the first place.
Person C then texts you with a completely different viewpoint, and you’re now mentally spinning in circles.
The more that you do this, the more you gain the ability to understand what you truly want and need, what’s best for you, and where you want your life to go.
As a result, you’ll start making stronger and more certain decisions that reinforce that path, which then create the outcomes that are best for you, and make you feel better about your decision making.
The better you feel about your choices, the more likely you are to make them without outside influence.
Anyone who knows me personally is familiar with my habit of speaking in analogies.
This is one of my favorites lately —zooming out.
Imagine that you’re in Google Maps, zoomed all the way in on a building or location of interest.
It’s taking up the entire screen, isn’t it?
It looks like it’s the only thing in the world.
This is what most people do with a problem or a challenge they’re facing — they zoom all the way in until it’s taking up the lion’s share of their mental and emotional space.
As a result, it feels like everything has gone to shit.
It’s very hard to keep things in perspective, or feel gratitude for the good things, or to acknowledge your own achievements when none of it seems visible in the moment.
Naturally, then, you start getting down on yourself, doubting yourself, questioning your aptitude. How could you let things get this bad?
This is when you zoom out.
Look at your entire life as a whole, the accomplishments you’ve made, the challenges you’ve overcome, the friendships and relationships you’ve built over the years, the personal progress you’ve made.
The further out you zoom on the map, the smaller that building (problem) becomes.
Sometimes all you really need is a shift in perspective to remind yourself where you’re standing, and how you got there.
This is a big one Big.
The reality we live in is quite literally created by the way(s) we talk to ourselves.
The way that we represent the world to ourselves.
The way that we represent ourselves to ourselves.
If you’re always criticizing yourself, doubting yourself, focusing on your shortcomings and insecurities…naturally, you’re going to lack trust in yourself. How could things be any different?
To build trust instead, replace criticism with compassion.
Take a clear look at the things you’re saying to yourself about your self, and start asking if it’s constructive, or critical.
If a friend came to you in the same exact position that you are in, and was asking for your feedback or advice, how would you approach them?
Would you be kind, caring, patient, and attentive?
Or, would you be harsh, insulting, overly critical, and discouraging?
The answer is obvious, yet, it’s not obvious when talking about ourselves.
You’d support your friend in their time of need, so make sure you’re supporting yourself in the same ways.
The way you speak to others and express your ideas sends a far louder message than just the words you’re saying.
Here’s an example I used with a client a few years ago:
You’re out at a bar, ordering a drink. If you don’t drink, you’re ordering a soda water.
You try to signal to the bartender, raising your eyebrows, or doing that weird half-wave thing, hoping you get noticed.
Eventually, when you do, your order sounds like this:
“Can I, uh, have a soda water with lemon?”
While this might seem inconsequential or not even something you’d give a second thought to, you’re effectively asking permission for something that you’re paying for.
Can you have it? Well, obviously, that’s what you’re there for.
Now, consider you say this:
“I’ll have a soda water please. Thanks!”
Still polite, but assertive. Certain. A statement, rather than a question.
This sends the message that you know what you want, and you’re stating it to the person who’s there to give it to you. You’re not sacrificing manners, politeness, or tact, either.
A small example, but one that is quickly applied to all other areas of life:
How do you speak up in the boardroom, if at all?
How do you ask people on dates, if at all?
How do you raise concerns when your feelings are being minimized, if at all?
How do you maintain and enforce your boundaries, if at all?
If the way you speak is more often like the former, you may subconsciously be signaling that your feelings, thoughts, or opinions are less valuable and important than others.
You’re putting yourself in the back row, the passenger seat, the “leftover” pile.
While it’s being communicated to others, it’s also being reinforced with
yourself.
How?
Because each time you put yourself in one of these passive positions, that’s how you get treated by the people around you.They will accept the position you choose for yourself.
So, you get passed over, put last, ignored, or left out.
Naturally, then, all this does is perpetuate the cycle that you’re right where you belong — yes?
No.
Your feelings, thoughts, and opinions are just as valid as everyone else’s.
You deserve to be heard, seen, listened to.
You deserve to be respected and valued just as you respect others in return.
But — people will only respect you insofar as you respect yourself, and you project that self-respect (or lack thereof) through how you communicate.
This builds self-trust because the more you practice statement-based speaking, the more seriously you’ll start being taken out in the world. As that continues over time, you’l learn respect from others and from yourself.Respect is usually found sitting right next to trust.
Gratitude is transformational, but so often overlooked, particularly by high achievers.
You spend so much time seeking the next goal, working for the next achievement, trying to be and do more, that you very rarely stop and feel gratitude or appreciation for where you are in the moment, or what you’ve already achieved.
As this pattern continues, you don’t really fully recognize your accomplishments, or feel a sense of pride in yourself.
If you don’t recognize your achievements, you can’t feel the sense of fulfillment that comes from them.
If you don’t feel the fulfillment, you can’t give yourself the credit you deserve.
If you don’t give yourself the credit you deserve, you can’t build trust within yourself because the achievement doesn’t sink in, so neither does the fact that you are the one who achieved it.
And, it’s not just about accomplishments, either.
It’s about family, friends, relationships, love, connection.
Gratitude for who you are in this moment. What you’ve overcome. Who you’ve worked to become.
Gratitude for the people in your life and the joy that they bring.
If you don’t slow down and take the time to appreciate what (and who) you already have in your life, you’ll always be focusing on what’s not there, and we all know the feeling of emptiness that brings.
Take a few minutes at the beginning and end of every day and let that feeling of gratitude sink in. It’ll give you a far stronger foundation and sense of appreciation to then grow and build from.
Ah, the ever-elusive “no.”
Many of us have a very hard times aying “no.”
No to an invitation, no to extra work, no to a friend, client, or family member.
At first glance, it’s confusing —why would we ever want to say “no” to someone who’s important to us, or someone who’s offering us something?
The truth is that not every opportunity will serve you. Not everything (or everyone) is aligned with your values, beliefs, morals, or brings you closer to where you want to be in life.
Sometimes, accepting an invitation or agreeing to take on extra work is counter productive, because you’re becoming overwhelmed, burned out, or taken advantage of.
I used to have a philosophy of saying “yes” to everything. I’d accept every invitation, attend every event, take every meeting, or sign on every client.
Then, as I grew and evolved, I learned that not everything was a fit for me, or in alignment with what I really wanted or needed.
I also learned that filling up my calendar with everything would prevent me from keeping the promises and commitments I’d made to myself.
(In other words, you cannot build trust with yourself if you don’t keep promises to yourself — see point #1).
It’s very hard to get up and go to the gym every morning when you’re exhausted the night before.
It’s difficult to move your own projects forward when you’ve taken on work from everyone else’s.
It’s emotionally exhausting to go on dates with every single person you’re set up with, who may not even be what you’re looking for.
Now, you’re letting your self down by always saying yes to everyone else.
This is all about setting and maintaining boundaries. It’s not about being mean, or harsh, or rude to others — but it is about honoring your self and knowing what is best for you in the long run.
We’ve spoken in the past about how to validate your intimate partner’s feelings and emotions, but equally — maybe more important — is to validate your own emotions instead of always doubting, questioning, or feeling guilty about them.
This is most often related to vulnerability.
If we’re not willing to be vulnerable and acknowledge what we’re actually feeling and going through, we’ll deny it, or ignore it, or develop an unhealthy coping mechanism in order to completely avoid it.
As a result, we never process or truly sit with our own emotional experience.
How can we learn what we’re feeling if we do this?
How can we learn to trust what we’re feeling if we always reject it?
How can we work through our emotions if we always tell everyone that we’re “fine” or that everything is “okay,” and they actually believe us?
The next time a loved one checks in with you about how you’re doing — or the next time you check in with your self…try actually being honest about the answer.
The more you acknowledge your feelings, the more you’ll learn to accept and trust them — and the more you’ll see that they’re your friend, not your enemy.
Many people who don’t fully trust themselves have lost sight of themselves.
They’ve put themselves last for months, years, or even decades.
I am always careful discussing this point because in no way am I suggesting you should be selfish, or disregard other people’s feelings, or minimize your relationships, marriage, or family.
Just the opposite, actually.
You see — you cannot show up at your best for your loved ones if you don’t care for yourself.
If you’re exhausted, burned out, unhappy, and unfulfilled — your relationships will suffer as a result.
You’ll be irritable, short-tempered, resentful, and unhappy.
Self-care, then, is not selfish, but necessary if you hope to live a thriving and happy life.
It also helps you build discipline and consistency. Whether you meditate, or do yoga, or lift weights, or hike, or whatever it is that works for you, you’ll build trust with yourself through being consistent.
Each time you get up and honor your promise to yourself, you will feel better about you, and as a result, show up with more energy and enthusiasm in the rest of your life, too.
Who are you, really?
No — not your career. Not your job title. Not who you’re married to. Not how many kids you have.
Who are you at your core, if you took all of that away?
The human being at the center of it all. The values, beliefs, worldview, character traits, deeper purpose…
The identity that you choose for yourself — who is that person?
If you’re unclear on this, don’t worry, most people are.
This, however, is exactly the reason most people have such a hard time trusting themselves, too…
How can you be confident in the decisions you make if you’re not confident in who you are?
How can you trust you’re going in the right direction if your compass is broken?
For most of us, our identity is wrapped up in something external like our business or our career — but if that goes away, who are we, then?
The truth is that external factors are part of our lives, but they don’t define who we are at the core. We must be a pillar in the storm of life, consistent and steadfast no matter what is happening around us.
The clearer we get on who we are, the more we’re connected with why
we do what we do…the more we can trust the decisions we make, because we know they’re in alignment with our values.
And the more that you trust your decisions, my friend — the more you’ll learn to trust yourself.