As the impact of a good night’s rest on our health and relationships is becoming more and more apparent, couples are choosing alternative sleep methods that prioritize catching zzz’s over not ruffling the covers.
On the flight home from a recent trip to Norway, I asked my husband what was the one thing he loved about Scandinavian culture that he wanted to incorporate into our lives at home. His answer: Each of us sleeping under our own duvet at night.
What’s always been thought of as the traditional way to sleep in North America—one couple on one bed under one blanket—may not be the way of the future. “Sleep divorce,” for example, is gaining steam. In this method, couples prioritize individual rest by trying new sleeping arrangements, allowing everyone to go to bed when they want, get a sleep free from disruptions, and wake up feeling refreshed.
“Whether it’s due to snoring, a restless partner, room temperature or people having different sleep or work schedules, there are many reasons why people may choose to sleep apart,” says Talia Shapero, a Toronto-based certified Integrative Adult Sleep Coach. “Getting good rest is crucial to both body and mind.”
According to a 2023 American Academy of Sleep Medicine survey of over 2,000 adults, more than one third of respondents occasionally or regularly sleep in separate rooms from their partner. Millennial couples were more likely to sleep apart compared to Baby Boomers, suggesting it’s something we’ll see more of in the future. But if you don’t have an extra bedroom, there are a few other options, according to Dr. Jenny Rogojanski, psychologist and cofounder of Sleep Smart Psychology Group in Toronto.
Using two duvets on one bed, known as the Scandinavian sleep method, allows people to regulate their body temperature and avoid cover hogs while still enjoying the benefits of bedsharing. You can also try dual mattresses. Sleeping on separate single or double beds in the same room—either pushed up against each other or close to one another—can accommodate each partner’s specific sleep preferences.
Better overall health
While adults should aim for seven to nine hours of sleep per night, Shapero says figuring out when those hours should take place makes a big difference to both the quality of your sleep and how well rested and alert you feel the next day. “Sleep needs and patterns also change throughout a person’s life,” she says. “Babies require the most amount of sleep, and after about age 65 sleep needs drop slightly to about seven to eight hours a night.”
Putting in the time will improve your metabolic health, reduce the risk of heart disease, diabetes and stroke, and help to balance hormones. “When we chronically sleep poorly, our stress and reproductive hormones, as well as hormones that impact our appetite and glucose levels, can get dysregulated,” says Shapero. This can result in feeling hungrier or unsatiated. Our decision-making skills are also impacted, resulting in a higher like likelihood of choosing less nutritious foods and overconsumption of calories compared to when you get a good night’s rest.
Let’s not forget how that rest can impact our emotional wellbeing, from reducing our cortisol levels to lowering our anxiety levels. “When we’re well rested, we’re better able
to manage stress, communicate effectively, and maintain emotional balance,” says Dr. Rogojanski.
Stronger relationships
After a poor night’s sleep, do you find yourself less patient or more likely to
pick a fight? It’s not your fault. From a biological standpoint, Shapero says the amygdala, the part of your brain that detects threats, becomes over active when you aren’t rested. “Sleep helps balance our mood and capacity to handle those big emotions. When we don’t sleep well, we can become less resilient to stress, less empathetic and more combative.” Other adverse effects include not being as sensitive and understanding to your partner’s needs and having a more negative perception of what’s going on in your day. In fact, studies show we can even experience more depressive symptoms and higher perceived stress.
Putting your sleep needs first may result in a better relationship with the person you’re sleeping (or rather, not sleeping) with. “Research shows that well-slept couples are more likely to resolve difficult problems productively,” says Shapero. In a study for the Journal of Family Psychology, couples who got above-average sleep reported they were more likely to feel satisfied with their marriage the next day, including their outlook on conflict resolution, affection, depend ability and sex.
Dr. Rogojanski agrees. “When we get a bad sleep, our communication tends to break down, which can cause a lot of tension and frustration, lead ing to more conflict in our relation ships in general.”
Keeping it intimate
One significant criticism that often comes up when discussing a new sleeping arrangement is the loss of intimacy, both physical and emotional. “Bedtime can be a really important time of day to bond, talk about the day’s events, maybe problem solve and share feelings,” says Shapero. So, how do we get the sleep we need to support our relationship goals without losing out on a huge part of the relationship itself?
Although both Dr. Rogojanski and Shapero admit it sounds unsexy, discussing solutions and opportunities for intimacy can help reconnection. “I think the most important thing is to be intentional around intimacy,” says Dr. Rogojanski. “Trying to stay physically affectionate throughout the day so it doesn’t have to be some thing that only happens once we’re winding down to go to sleep.” This can be cuddling on the couch while watching TV, holding hands on an evening walk or sharing a hug or kiss throughout the day. “These are the things that we find are important for every relationship, regardless of whether you’re sharing a bed at the end of the day,” she adds.
Whatever you choose to do, remember it’s not permanent. “See how it works, see how it makes you feel, see if you sleep any better,” says Shapero. You can always change it up. In the end, it’s not about how you sleep; it’s that you actually sleep.